some days i want to stick a fork in my eye

Some days I want to stick a fork in my eye.  I know it hurts, duh? Don’t look at me like that.  I just want to feel something other than what I feel, which is down right ready to kill everyone I live with.

Tweet Tweet – can you hear the whistle blowing?

See my stripes?

I’m in the corner, wearing the ref’s shirt, shouting at the top of my lungs for everyone to shut the fuck up because my brain is about to explode if another male in this house so much as opens his mouth to start another battle.

I fuckin hate boys sometimes!

FD and JJ (our oldest) are at constant odds with one another.  This isn’t new. In fact, it’s getting old, real old.  I’m ready to send both of them to boot camp for stupid people with the hopes Jillan Michaels will be there, not to help them lose weight but to knock the bloody testosterone out of each of them.

They are driving me insane!

Here is what started the argument.  FD came in and told our son to get ready for bed.  It’s 8 o’clock.  JJ just finished his homework. His bed time isn’t until 9 (though FD forgets) due to the fact his brain is on vacation – like all day long, so it’s not really his fault.

JJ tries to talk to his dad, telling him he hasn’t eaten anything yet, because mom is a dumbass and made it a fend for yourself supper tonight.  Okay not those words, but you get the gist.  To which FD replies – Go to bed! Louder and with a hint of what can only be described as bullying rudeness that makes me want to smack the strawberry blonde whiskers right off his skinny white face.

I sit there, not saying a word.  I know – amazed right? Me, not talk.  But I do.  I wait to see how it plays out.  Can they talk?  Can they get past the measuring of their penises?

Suddenly FD steps up to JJ, in his face, JJ doesn’t back down and the rulers have spoken.

“Whoa, you guys, back up and take a deep breath.”  That isn’t what i said but I’m thinking perhaps you might have a little one on your lap who can read words that begin with F and end in K.  So I’m being polite here.  Your welcome.

So I jump in and blow my whistle and try to get each of them, my husband and son to see how retarded they are being. Neither of them is listening to the other. Neither is communicating effecting.  And I try to get each of them to see the err of their ways.

Both of them ignore me.

Okay, I take a deep breath. I stand up. I send my son to his room. I send my husband to his room. Yes he has his own room.  Do you blame me? A girl has to have a little space away from man-land once in awhile.  And I do so in a way they let’s both of them know…

I have the biggest dick in the house!

Then I fall against the sofa, resisting the urge to allow my uterus to start crying. Damn uterus, always feeling shit.  And I grab my youngest, Trace to sit up on my lap who sighes deeply, looking at me.

“You gave daddy and JJ a time out.”

“Yes, yes I did.”

“Because they were being bad?”

I nod. “Yes, yes they were.”

“I’m not bad am I mommy?”

“No, no you aren’t.”

Though looking at him, I dread bail money and grand-children at 16 cross my mind.  I know I’m not the most stable parent. “What am I going to do with them?” I say out loud to myself, just thinking, my heart heavy with emotion because it’s so hard watching two people you love more than anything suddenly acting as though they hate one another, over stupid shit to boot.

“I know…” Trace pipes up, grinning because he’s got a great idea. I can tell from his excitement.  “Bang their heads together.  That’s what papa said he did to you and uncle rick when you were bad and fighting.”

I laugh so hard. I’d forgotten about those days. My brother and I didn’t always get along.  Okay actually we hated one another, and my dad really did bang our heads together to get us to stop fighting (on occassion)

I thought about it, banging my husband and son’s heads together, to make them see just how dumb they were being.  But I realized this was a part of growth, for my husband as a father, and for JJ as a son.

Still some head-banging might be warrented, knock the stupid off them for sure.

Just maybe.